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I want to go to Dubai!

Not that I ever thought I’d say it… considering the fact I know almost nothing of the place… but people I know who’ve been there say it ‘rocks’.

When my new friend ‘Ady’ mentioned it lately, I actually chuckled to myself because the best I could scrape up from my consciousness of Dubai was that it was in the Middle East, possibly west of Arabia, and that it was connected to ‘oil’.

My mind also gave me two images of Dubai. One was of a modern, bustling metropolis where ‘movers and shakers’ played with fancy cars and yachts and cut heavy-duty business deals. The other was of an ‘old world’ sort of ‘haggling in the market’ sort of place where some traditions were best respected.

In fact, it somehow made me think of stories my Dad told me of ‘Portobello Road’ and I found it amusing to think that, despite the designer suit, the fellow across from you at table might really be a ‘pirate’. Rather than deterring me, though, that only makes me want to go there all the more. I mean, how freaking exciting is that?!

So, while I’m probably too much of a ‘chicken’ to ever do it, I’m putting Dubai at the top of my list of ‘places I want to go’ and telling myself that some day I’ll get over my fear and actually try to see it up close and personal.

Headed up to the barn Sunday. On the way Michelle said Noreen had asked about me. Said I seemed good with the horses and wondered if I’d take on a project. Storm, a mare, needs to be readied for sale – grooming and some basic ground manners. Well, I don’t know what manners or how I’ll teach them, but ‘YES!’

So, spent some time rooting burrs out of her mane and tail and grooming her while Ray and Noreen filled me in on what a freak Storm is. Well, if I do this and she gets a new home where she can be loved and exercised and all, it’s worth while.

Also got to see Project and Stormy turned out in the big pen. Wow! I knew Project was a big boy, but I never really appreciated HOW big. He’s magnificent!

Also got to lead Stormy into the barn – a first for me. I was a little intimidated, but when he acted up I did what I would have with a big dog – shank him and use my body to block and guide him. Later, Michelle said I did just right : )

We also got Stormy out later for a ride and found he really is a weenie. Seperated from Project, he was anxious and kept trying to get loose so he could run back to his buddy.

Oh, and I got to put a saddle on a horse for the 1^st time : ) We also worked again on lunging and basic riding techniques.

I was pretty tired by the time we were done and I would have liked to have begun learning to post, but what the hell, it was cool : )

I called my mother the other day.

I told her it’d been a while and I hadn’t herd from her so I figured ‘why wait ‘till Mother’s Day?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I figured it’d been long enough that really… what’s there to say…?’

I think that when I heard that I considered hanging up. You know, there was that moment there… But, putting the best foot forward and all, I talked to her a while and it wasn’t until I was driving home from work with the girls last night that it really hit me how offended I was by that. I mean, she is my mother after all, so whether I call her every week or not, you’d think she could muster some kind of warmth. Sigh.

Of course, the girls asked why I didn’t challenge her on that, but the truth of it is that I’ve done everything I can over the years to get through to the woman and I’m getting to the point that I just have to accept who she is and try not to let it affect me.

Actually, that’s a lie. Mum had a huge influence on who I was as a parent because she acted as a constant measuring stick for how I related to my children. Because of her, I tried to make sure that I would never be too self-centred or too busy for them, and any time they needed attention or affection, I tried to be there for them. If you can’t be a shining example…

Oh well, at least Mum remembered my niece’s name. It only took until she was 15 or so for her to get that her name is ‘Rochelle’ and not ‘Raquel.’

Also, a friend of mine – Ady – is heading to Dubai today. We’ve only just met, but he strikes me as the kind of person I could see being friends with for a long time. Of course, I told him I’m ‘jealous as sin’, and I’ll be anxious to hear stories about the trip when he gets back.

Last night, while chatting, he said ‘come with’…

If only I was brave enough and in a position to just pick up and go!

This morning while eating breakfast I found myself trying to imagine what it would be like to be there. My friends would freak! but the practical side of me had no problem with picturing wearing a burka (sp?) if it’d keep my sorry white ass from burning in that heat.

Dammit! I’ve got to get to work… later : )

Dammit! My veneer’s cracking.

My friend was watching a made-for-TV-movie the other day. ‘I hate the way they’re setting it up,’ she said as I passed through and feigned interest. ‘Huh?’

‘Well, they’re establishing that the husband and wife adore each other. The dog even waits for her every night at the door…’ she explained.

‘Oh… sigh’, but I sat to watch with her a moment.

I made it through the ‘PG’ post accident scene, watched the husband walk zombie-like into the house afterward, and got to where the dog went to the door and waited. Then, it happened.

‘No boy! You can’t just wait! You gotta’ go on…!’ I joked. ‘’Cause sometimes they don’t come back!’ Then, I got up and went to the kitchen to clean or something and found myself thinking, ‘I know ‘cause I’ve waited… and they didn’t come back…’ and I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. From a TV movie for Christ’s sake!

What’s weird too, is that it’s not constant this sadness, but a couple of times lately when death, divorce, separation have come up, I’ve felt an instantaneous and almost overwhelming urge to cry. Just like that.

Sigh.

Of course, I’d lay dollars to doughnuts on what it is.

My job might go bye-bye soon. My sister’s playing this ‘I’m moving to Niagara… no… I’m moving to Nova Scotia’ game. I’ve got a couple guys around me that want to date me but that I’m afraid to trust. And there’s a tiny, tiny little bit of me that’s crying in the back of my head wanting everything to be ‘okay’ and for someone to protect and make me whole again. And my inner, primal self is equating this confusion and potential loss with potential ‘death’. It’s panicking and trying to get the message to my rational, adult self that I should pay attention, find some sort of anchor in the storm, maybe even grab onto someone like a friend, my sister, a man, in the futile hope that they’ll save me.

Well, no way, José!

If I’ve learned nothing else in the last few years, it’s that nobody’s going to ‘save’ me and nobody’s ‘forever’, even me. So I guess I’d better suck it up and figure something out, hadn’t I?

I’ve just got to keep this ‘I’m okay’ mask on, get through my days, and look for opportunities to figure things out on my own. That way, I won’t fall into any traps and I won’t end up having to figure out how to get out of them when things level out in the long run like they always do.

Yah, that’s the ticket. So, I’ll set my alarm to Mary J. Blige’s ‘Im Fine’ and figure it out one day at a time : )

Creative writing 101 was supposed to be an exercise in ‘The Secret’ – an attempt to visualize myself doing something I want to do such as being in love. Thing is, I’ve realized that while I can write about meeting someone, I fall apart or back off when it comes to visualizing how a relationship might develop or what it’d be like to be in love.

I can write and rewrite a million scenarios in which ‘Kera’ meets ‘Adrian’ but once my character’s hormone levels stabilize I truly don’t know where things might go. Wait! That’s not true. I suppose that, deep down, I know they’ll eventually go poorly… or… I lack the experience and faith to write about the ‘good stuff’.

So, this morning I tried to force myself to look even a half a step past the initial spark and to at least peek at what might lay beyond. It wasn’t great, but I did come up with a few possibilities…

I pictured waking up in the morning and knowing I’ve got to get going but purposely climbing over my guy to get out of bed. ‘Excuse me.’ ‘Pardon me.’ (giggle) … and then climbing back over him… ‘Sorry.’ ‘Coming through.’ (That sort of thing usually gets them up : )

I pictured doing something like cleaning or cooking together and making a ‘fun’ of ‘work’ by taking the time to tease and chat.

Unfortunately, that was about as far as I got before my day intruded on my thoughts, but not before I realized that this type of thought is what triggers the emotions we’re told are so important to ‘The Secret’. This is what I was hoping to get when I first started this exercise.

In the brief moment that my mind was occupied in conjuring up these images, I experienced the intense joy I get out of playing with a guy. I felt the intimacy and comfort that comes from sharing your space with beloved other. Unfortunately, it was immediately followed by a vague sadness because I also felt that these are exactly the sorts of things I’d miss if they were taken away.

Ah, so there it is again. Don’t risk your heart, Witchypoo! And how many times did you tell your Ex that it’s sadder not to try at all than to try and fail? Who’s ‘talking the talk’ now?

Okay, so I will try again. I’m setting myself the task of writing about more of the good stuff. The fact I could only come up with these two ‘f’r-instances’ strikes me as sad. Then, if I do manage to come up with anything, I’ll worry about what it means and what I might do with it.

A while ago figured I’d try using The Secret to help me get over issues. I’d write about being ‘in love’ and see if it helped me accept the idea. Problem is, I’ve spent months writing and I’ve developed some characters and ideas, but it’s all about staging and scripting. It’s got nothing, really, to do with ‘love’.

Sigh.

Yesterday, my buddy Jason lent me some CD’s and one of them is his own work. As I listened to it, I was amazed. He’d already impressed me with his behaviour. He seems like a kind, thoughtful, conscientious individual with a good sense of humour, but listening to his music revealed the fact he’s also talented musically.

He’s got a sweet voice and… man… the boy can play!

Within seconds of turning it on I wanted nothing more than to find him and thank him. Sharing that kind of thing with people is – to me – a real gift. What he’ll never really know, though, is that he also helped me with something else.

Yes, I’ve been writing about meeting a guy. And yes, I’ve written about being ‘attracted’. But I have no idea of how to write about the ‘love’ part or even what it means to me.

Last night, for example, I told some friends that, time-to-time, when I talk to a customer I hear a certain mellowness in their voices.

They’ll be calm, patient, and often just sifting through numbers on their bills… I’m a customer service rep, so that’s gig… and I’ll hear something in their voice that says ‘that’s what they must sound like when they’re hanging with their old lady, maybe vegging out or in bed’… and I can’t help thinking ‘THAT’S IT’! That’s what I need!

I’ve seldom if ever gotten the chance to have that intimacy with a guy – the ability to just hang out and relax and talk without stress or conflict – to be able to speak in those hushed tones… about mundane or inane things that don’t mean nearly as much as just being together.

That, to me, speaks of ‘love’, and it makes me think that that’s the place I’m avoiding going with my writing. It’s blatant! Any time my writing wanders toward the intimate, I find myself deciding to re-write or change it. Why? Because I don’t want to go there.

Well, I guess I need to, even if it’s just on paper. Either that, or I need to figure out why I can’t. Mean time, I think I need to add something to this fictitious guy I want the universe to bring me. I think he needs to be ‘musical.’

Music’s important to me and guys who can play instruments or who have an appreciation for music have always attracted and interested me, so if I’m going to let my mind go and aim for something big, I think it should include music.

So, to quote the great Wile E Coyote…. ‘back to the drawing board….’

 

Been working on my creative writing and feel like - before putting more energy into it - I should get some feedback. Mostly wondering if the pace is too slow or what…? If anyone reads it and doesn’t mind commenting, would greatly apreciate criticisms. THNX!

‘Amazing what weed does for t.v.!’ she thought as she watched a black and white perfume commercial unfold before her. Suddenly, finally, it made sense! A vehicle pulled up outside but she only half herd it because she was caught in a conundrum. The show she’d been watching had resumed and she had to decide whether to stick with it’s vanilla humour or go back to the Technicolor parade of commercials. She glanced at the remote, found the channel button and pushed it while wondering why Susie was making so much noise.

‘Hey’ a male voice grunted.

She nearly jumped out of her skin. ‘Adrian!?’

He was stripped to his jeans and standing in the archway between the kitchen and living room, towelling his hair. ‘I thought you were working…?’ As far as she knew he was supposed to be out of town another week.

‘So did I,’ he frowned and she noticed how tired and grumpy he looked. He gave his hair another rub or two and dropped the towel on the chair as he stepped in front of it and plopped onto the couch beside her.

‘Maybe I should go…’ she said, setting the remote down and standing. He scowled and said ‘stay’ and when she backed up and said she really should leave he forced himself to get up.

‘Come on, stay…?’ He caught her hand he purposely softened his voice. His touch was like ice and she jumped, recoiling. ‘You’re freezing!’ and then she saw his hand.

She hated to see anyone hurt, especially someone she cared about, and while she’d rather not question how much she cared about him, she felt an uncontrollable urge to help him. ‘What happened?’ she asked and took it, turning it toward the light for inspection. The knuckles were braised and bruised, but there were no cuts.

‘Got a flat.’ He said and flexed it, wincing, and then forced himself to smile. ‘It’s nothing. Slipped on the tire iron.’

She looked into his eyes trying to figure out if he was lying. ‘You want a coffee? Are you hungry?’ It was his house but she’d cook for him if he told her where things were.

‘No. Thanks.’ He smiled. ‘Just this…’ and before she could think to stop him he’d wrapped his arms around her and folded her into a hug. She held her hands out a moment, awkward, until she felt the stress radiating off of him. Then, she couldn’t help but reach carefully around him and rub his back a little. ‘Rough day, huh?’

‘Uh huh!’ he nodded and worked his chin into the crook of her neck. ‘Anything that could go wrong did.’ He sighed and idly rubbed her back too. ‘By the way, where’s Floozy?’

‘Adrian!’ she reached down and smacked his ass lightly for using the name, making him chuckle. ‘She went to the club.’

He leaned back, keeping his arms around her and looked her up and down. The smile on his face told her he liked what he saw. ‘Very nice,’ he said and then put a lip on in mock sympathy. ‘How come you didn’t go?’

‘I hurt my back this morning…’

‘Really?’ The look of concern was genuine. ‘Are you okay?’ Even as he asked he dropped his hands down her back, hooked his thumbs around her waist and started exploring her with his fingers making light, massaging circles. ‘Where?’

She flinched forward, bumping into him and then tried to step back fast but he held on. She caught at his arms for balance. ‘It’s my degenetive.. degenera…’ She couldn’t form the words right and it was pissing her off.

‘DDD?’ he asked helpfully. She’d told everyone about it when they first met because she wanted them to know that there’d be times she wouldn’t be able to do certain tasks and that it wasn’t a matter of ‘wanting’ to.

‘That’s it,’ she giggled and let her head drop forward till the top of it was against his chest. She was blushing. Looking down though, she was face to face with his flat bare stomach and suddenly it didn’t seem like such a good move. Glancing up guiltily, she reminded herself of their age difference by saying. ‘That’s what happens when you get old. Your body breaks down.’

‘Once I was dressed and everything though, I figured there was no reason for Susie not to enjoy, so I came anyway.’ She told him, straightening out and trying to move more carefully this time. ‘She’s been looking forward to this all week so I told her I’d watch Meg.’

Adrian wasn’t letting go. ‘You’re a good friend,’ he said, pulling her back by the hips and kissing her lightly as he started rubbing her back again. ‘And she just took off and left you alone?’ he asked, scowling.

‘No!’ she forced the word out. ‘I mean, she said she’d stay but there was no reason. And besides…’ she added, ‘she set me up first.’

She glanced down at the coffee table and chuckled when she realized just how much Susie had left her. There were two family sized bags of potato chips, a tub of dip, miscellaneous munchies, a bottle of Bailey’s, some acetaminophen tablets, and a bag of weed.

‘Allright!’ he exclaimed, hugging her tightly to him. ‘We’re all set!’

‘I know! she laughed and then realized he was doing it again. ‘Do you want a coffee?’ She asked, purposely reaching behind herself and took his hands off her.

‘Yes please!’ he said enthusiastically but looked a little disappointed. He must have realized what he’d been doing though, because he stepped back and stuck his hands in his pockets. ‘Just half a cup though.’

Being careful not to trip, she stepped around the coffee table and went to the kitchen to get it while wondering what it was about the two of them that seemed always to lead to them touching each other. Like magnets, they could be working at opposite ends of the farm but given enough time, they always gravitated together and next thing you knew, he’d be hugging her or she’d be punching him.

Of course, Susie and Michelle had picked up on it right away and never missed an opportunity to tease them. She almost blushed, despite the fact she was alone in the room with nothing but the coffee pot to accuse her, but the teasing bugged her all the more because deep down she really did like him.

She poured the coffee and carried the cups back to the living room, being careful not to spill or look at him. He’d sunk back into the cushions and had his feet on the table and one hand behind his head while the other steadied the ashtray he’d set on his thigh. Lying there like that, he looked more like a model in a magazine than her friend’s little brother.

’Course, all those guys in the magazines were someone’s son or little brother, she thought, and wondered if other girls thought the same thing when they were ogling them. Somehow it seemed ‘okay’ for them to ignore the fact, but not her.

‘Thanks,’ he said, but didn’t bother to move from the centre of the couch as she poured the liquor into the cups to top them up.

‘No problem.’ She sank onto the edge of the cushion and almost jumped when he touched her arm with the side of his hand. ‘Want some?’

She glanced down. He’d rolled a joint and was offering it. ‘No thanks!’

‘Why not?’ He didn’t move.

‘I have my reasons,’ she said, figuring he’d leave her alone like he always did. He’d sparked up a few times since they met and offered her some – he always offered – but as soon as she’d say ‘no’ he usually let it go.

‘You smoked with Susie…’

‘Medicinal,’ she argued wondering if he meant in the past or now and figuring it didn’t matter.

‘But you won’t smoke with me…?’ he put a lip on.

‘No thanks,’ she reached for the remote, wondering why there was nothing but commercials on tonight. As she flicked through the channels she couldn’t seem to find anything good.

‘Don’t trust me…?’ It was a statement more than a question.

‘It’s not you I’m worried about.’ She said, distracted.

 ‘What’d you mean..?’ he started asking and then went suddenly silent. ‘Oh!’

She turned just as a huge smile spread across his handsome face and the light of understanding sparked his beautiful grey eyes. Guiltily, she turned away, hoping he wouldn’t he wouldn’t see her blush, but it was too late.

‘So you do like me!?’ He sounded shocked.

‘Of course I do!’ she refused to look at him. ‘We’re friends.’

He didn’t say anything but she could swear she herd the hamster wheel squeaking between his ears as it turned. She concentrated on the t.v.

‘So why won’t you smoke with me?’

Frustrated, she forced herself to turn and face him. ‘Why’s it so god damned important I do?!’

He thought a moment before speaking. ‘Maybe because it’s what friends do…?’ He said pointedly.

She almost jumped on that – warned him not to pull the ‘guilt trip’ because she didn’t buckle to peer pressure - but he titled his head and looked at her a second with a strange expression on his face and then grabbed the ashtray and sat up.

‘Or maybe it’s ‘cause I don’t have degenerative disk disease but I have done enough damage to myself to know what pain’s about and it hurts me every time you do something you shouldn’t because you can’t stand not doing ‘your share’…?’ 

Her anger or resentment or whatever it was she’d been feeling dissipated as quickly as it had risen. ‘No worries, mate…’ she said, but he transferred the joint to his left hand and reached out to touch her back. ‘But I do.’ He said firmly and ran his hand over it.

With the halter she was wearing her flesh was exposed and she could feel the work roughened texture of his palm and fingers gliding lightly over it. A violent shiver rippled through her body.

‘Or maybe…’ he leaned his elbow on his knee and brought his face to within and inch of her shoulder. ‘Maybe I’m hoping if you smoke it you’ll finally say ‘yes’…?’

She stared - shocked he’d come out and said it. He’d been asking her out from day one and Susie swore he wanted to ‘get with her’ but when it came down to it she’d always taken it as joking and nothing more. What else could she think when he was 10 years younger than she?

Adrian grinned and lowered his mouth to her shoulder, watching her as though daring her to move, and when she didn’t, kissed it lightly. She couldn’t tell if the gleam in his eyes was ‘hope’ or ‘humour’ but either way she laughed.

‘Oh! You are, are you!?’ She laughed. ‘Well, I’m not some young hottie in a club, sweetheart.’ She patted his knee. ‘It doesn’t affect my judgement that way.’

He took a puff, considering, and idly dragged his thumbnail up her spine, watching goose bumps spread beneath it. ‘Then how does it affect you?’

She shivered and leaned forward, avoiding his touch. ‘You don’t want to know,’ she chuckled, or at least she didn’t want him knowing. It was hard enough being good around him!

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t,’ he replied. 

True, she thought, they never seemed to have a problem finding things to talk about but she’d seen how painfully shy he could be around others. ‘And what if I don’t want to tell you?’

He kissed her shoulder and then rested his chin on it and grinned. ‘Smoke this with me,’ he held the joint out, ‘and I won’t ask.’

‘Okay!’ She laughed and finally accepted it. She took a quick puff and tried to hand it back. ‘Naw…’ he let himself fall back into the couch. ‘Never touch the stuff.’

‘Liar!’ She took her coffee and the joint and scrunched into the end of the couch putting as much distance between them as possible while Adrian grabbed the remote and channel surfed.

She’d only taken a couple more puffs before the familiar tingle started climbing her legs. She tried to hand it back to Adrian and when he played like he might not take it she started putting it out. ‘No!’ he stopped her.

Her eyes shot to the hall and she shushed him, reminding him of Meg. He apologized and asked why she didn’t want more. ‘I know my limit,’ she said, and explained that she’d only started smoking again since she’d done her back in on the job and did just enough to deal with the pain. ‘I figured a bit of weed here and there was better than a steady diet of pharmaceuticals.’

‘No shit!’ he agreed with her and finished it off before asking ‘but what’s your limit?’

‘I’m a three puff girl,’ she adjusted the pillow beside her, trying to get comfortable. ‘Never at work, seldom in public, and no operating heavy equipment.’

‘Like back hoes?’ he teased.

‘Like cars… toasters…’ They both laughed and when he asked ‘why not?’ she told him ‘no bones.’

‘No bones?’ he reached out to poke her leg and she jumped. ‘No!’ she recoiled, scrambling back into the arm of the couch. She was ticklish beyond belief and wasn’t taking any chances.

‘What d’ya’ mean ‘no bones’?

She grinned sheepishly and avoided his eyes and was just about to tell him when the washer ground to a halt. ‘Just a sec,’ he said, and tossed her the remote. She watched him get up, fascinated by the play of muscles under skin, until she remembered she wasn’t supposed to look at him that way and tore her eyes away.

The fone rang. ‘Get that?’ he called out and she dove for it, not wanting Meg to wake up.

‘Hey! Where the hell do you park down here?’ It was Susie’s voice.

‘Where’s ‘here’?’ Kera asked, flopping around on the couch until she was laying comfortably on her tummy with the fone to her ear.

‘Downtown,’ Susie said. 

‘You!? Downtown?!’ Kera teased. ‘I knew I shoulda’ went!’

‘How’s your back?’

‘It’s all good,’ she chuckled. ‘We just smoked one and….’

‘By the way, tell him to stay away from that cake!’

Kera glanced up and watched Adrian pass the fridge and glance in on his way to the back of the bedrooms. ‘Okay, but how’d you know…?’

‘Christ!’ isn’t there a lot or something down here?” Susie interrupted and then burst into a string of curses.

She decided Susie must have meant ‘if’ Adrian came home and was glad to let it go because she didn’t want Susie knowing the two of them were home and wasted. The teasing just wouldn’t be worth it.

‘Over by the bakery…’ she said. ‘You know… the place we had lunch a few weeks ago.’ She knew she’d remember because the waitress had ripped them off and then the parking machine at their money so a ‘cheep’ lunch ended up costing them a bundle.

‘Sorry ‘bout that,’ she said finally, and then ‘just a sec…’

Kera lay listening as whoever was in the car talked, and then another voice came on the line. ‘Where the hell are you?!’

It was Michelle. Kera laughed and told her she was ‘down for the count’. ‘You should hear what happened today…!’ Michelle told her and started rambling about some ‘puppy’ from work that wanted to meet her at the club. Kera only half listened as she watched Adrian come back in and grab their cups for a refill. When he came back and sat them on the table she tried to move but he slipped onto the edge of the couch beside her and put a hand on her back. ‘No!’ he whispered.

She hesitated and his hand slid up her back, rubbing tiny circles of pleasure into her skin. For a moment, she held her breath, tense, and then her resistance slipped.

She exhaled and almost moaned before remembering the fone. ‘…So I’m getting me a young’n tonight…’ Michelle was saying. Susan said something and then grabbed the fone. ‘You should do the same yourself,’ she said, making Kera gasp. ‘What?!’

‘You herd me and you know what I mean.’ Susan said, and when Kera tried to tell her she was too old for that shit, she cut her off. ‘Look, I’m just saying that you’re the only one holding yourself back, sweety…’

Kera fought to get a word in edge-wise while Adrian let his hand play over her back. As he caught a rhythm and worked his way back down her spine, he added a hint of pressure and started spreading his fingers out to massage the muscles along it’s sides.

Kera tensed again, afraid it’d hurt, but the further he went, the better it felt, and by the time he got to the bottom of her shirt she couldn’t stop her body from reacting. Like a cat, she lifted her tail to meet his hand, and Adrian, seeing the affect he was having, pulled his hand away and watched her bottom sink back onto the couch. ‘Really…?!’ he whispered as an eyebrow shot up.

Embarrassed, she flipped herself over to avoid his hands and asked Susie if she’d found a spot yet. ‘Ignore me if you want,’ Susie scolded, ‘but I’m serious.’

‘You can have the puppy…’ Michelle offered, referring to the young man she was meeting.

‘No!” Kera said when she herd and watched Adrian’s eyes meet her’s as he tried to figure out who it was meant for. ‘I told you before I’m not getting into shit until I’m legally divorced. It’s not fair to a guy…’

‘Just a second,’ Susie interrupted, and started throwing street names at her, asking which one she should turn down. Lost, Kera covered the handset with her palm, explained, and asked Adrian who rolled his eyes and tried to think.

He took a drag of his cigarette with one hand while the other wandered onto her hip and started massaging it’s way up her side. ‘Try King…’ he suggested, and Kera repeated the advice into the fone. Her body reacted again to his touch, straining for it as though it had a will of it’s own and she covered the handset. ‘What are you doing?’

Susie nattered in her ear while he grinned and said ‘figuring it out…’

‘What?!’ and then, from the look on his face and the concentration he was putting into watching his hand, she realized what he meant. “I thought you weren’t going to ask?’ She pressed her body into the cushions trying to avoid him.

He set the cigarette in the ashtray and adjusted his position on the couch. Then, leaning low over her, he placed a kiss on her shoulder. A shiver rippled through her, making her whole body twitch and a wicked, wolfish grin twisted the corners of his mouth as he looked her straight in the eye and said ‘I’m not ‘asking’, am I…?’

‘Bingo!’ Susan hooted into the fone, making Kera jump. ‘Ok sweetheart, what you do’s your business, but we’re outta here, okay?’

‘Okay!’ Kera laughed, and she had to figure they’d found a spot because Susan said not to worry about them and simply dropped the line.

‘Okay,’ Adrian chuckled and kissed her again, and then again and again, laying a trail of kisses along her shoulder.

Kera dropped the fone and tried to say something but by then, he’d run out of shoulder and run into her cheek. He wasn’t slowing down though, and pecked his way over that too until he reached her lips.

‘Adrian?’ she asked as he let his lips drag over hers and then paused to place a kiss there too.

‘Hmmm?’ he muttered, apparently deciding it was a good spot to linger. He kissed his way along her lower lip, quick, dry little kisses that made her arch her neck and strain to get away but he stayed with her, chuckling low in his chest as he saw the affect he was having on her.

‘Adiran… she tried again. ‘You keep that up sweety and we’re gonna’ be in trouble.’

‘No trouble,’ he said as casually as if he was saying he’d get her another coffee and kissed his way along her upper lip.

Kera yanked her right hand out from between her side and the couch where it’d been pinned when she’d rolled and brought the left to his shoulder, stopping him. He glanced at her hand and hesitated.

‘Yah ‘trouble’, she said. ‘Big time trouble!’

‘Only trouble it you want it to be…’ he leaned forward like he might kiss her again.

She almost laughed in his face at that. ‘Don’t you pull that Zen bullshit on me!’ She said, exerting just enough force to stop him. ‘You know what I’m talking about.’

He looked at her, frustration evident in his clear, grey eyes, and then they flashed to the handset that was emitting an irritating beep.

“I’m not,’ he said, straightening up and leaning with his left hand on the back of the couch while he picked it up and reached over her to set it in the cradle.

Kera closed her eyes because the sight of his naked torso moving past her mouth made her lips ache to reach out and taste it. As he settled back down, she opened them and tried to get up. Adrian caught her though and looked at her with an expression that stopped her heart.

‘You’re the one who’s making it ‘trouble’.’ He said, and his hands were already working like a cat’s, kneading where they touched. ‘It’s only trouble if you want it to be…’

A million responses flashed through her mind - a million arguments she could throw at him – but he spoke before she could.

‘If you’d just stop thinking…’ he kissed her lightly… ‘and running away and…’ he did it again and Kera chuckled.

‘Is that what you want?’ she asked him, sliding her hands to his sides. ‘Yes!’ He looked at her like she had to be crazy not to have understood that point.

She smiled, a slow lazy smile and started dragging her nails lightly up his sides while peering down at them to watch his reaction. ‘’Cause I could you know…’

He shivered and bit his lip but didn’t say anything, so she looked up into his eyes. ‘I could get lost in it. I could forget and just let my body go…’ She lifted her face to his and kissed him, lightly, carefully, letting her lips slide over his. ‘I could spend hours lost in a kiss,’ she told him and brought a hand up to touch his face. ‘The taste, the sensation…’ she took his lip in her mouth and nipped it, making him pull back in surprise. ‘Pain… pleasure…’ she sucked a breath in between clenched teeth and slid her fingers into his hair, knotting them into the curls at the back of his head and then held him still as she kissed him, covering his face in hungry kisses.

Adrian wrapped his arms around her, groaning, and for a moment she let hin have his way, submitting to his touch. Then, she pulled back a little, slowly. ‘Are you sure that’s what you want?’ she asked and to her surprise, she felt her eyes water.

If he said ‘yes’, that’d be the end of it. They’d fool around and tomorrow… what? It wouldn’t be the same. Once they did, they could never go back to being ‘just friends’. They might try but it didn’t work that way, and the sad part was that she genuinely liked him. It’d be hard not being able to hang with him… work with him. And then he said it and something clicked inside her.

‘Yes,’ he said, over and over between kisses. ‘You have no idea how much!’

Kera couldn’t help steeling a glance at the bulge growing in his pants and chuckling. ‘Ummm yah, I do.’

He grinned and tried to kiss her again. “No offence sweety, but I’d like to do this right.’ She stopped him and then, while he backed off curious, she slid her legs up and around him and stood. Turning and holding out a hand, she said,’ come on…’ He took it and paused just long enough to stub out his smoke before standing and kissing her again.

‘Nuh uhn…’ she chuckled. ‘Somebody needs a shower.’

‘I like the way your mind works!’ he said and laced his fingers with hers. ‘I’ll wash your back if you wash mine.’

Stoned or not, Kera herd herself gulp and as Adrian led her through the house turning lights off as they went, her mind raced for some kind of excuse. Whatever she came up with she’d have to do it fast or there’d be no getting out of it.

She dragged her feet on the way down the hall and when he stepped through the door to his room she reached out with her free hand and caught the frame.

‘What?’ he asked, flicking the light on and looked at her, concerned. 

‘I…’ She hesitated, huffed a deep breath and came out with it. ‘I don’t like anybody seeing me naked.’

He stared, blinked. ‘What?’

‘You herd me!’ She kicked him lightly with her bare toes. ‘I don’t like being seen naked.’

He laughed and shook his head. ‘Let me get this straight.’

‘Here you are with that kick ass body and you don’t like showing it off?!’ He ran the fingers of his free hand through his hair and let it drop, amazed.

‘Oh yah!’ she said, slapping a hand to her tummy. ‘All the guys dig stretch marks.’ She almost said she’d read models were having them surgically implanted but stopped herself. No use in taking her issues out on him.

‘Look,’ he said, stepping toe to toe with her and lifting her chin on the side of his finger. When she resisted he exerted only enough pressure to make her look at him. ‘You are the most beautiful woman I know,’ he said, and somehow he said it with enough conviction that she almost wanted to believe it.

‘From the moment I laid eyes on you I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you… how to let you know how crazy you make me.’ He lowered his face to hers and grazed her lips with a kiss. ‘Do you have any idea what it’s been like working around you? All the times I’ve watched you grooming… seen that look in your eyes… and wished once… just once… you’d look at me that way!?’

‘Really?!’ she was shocked.

‘Really,’ he said, and kissed her. ‘Now I’m going in there and have a shower. If you want to use Susie’s, that’s okay too, but I’d like you to join me if you want to…’

He let it hang there between them, giving her the choice, while Kera’s emotions swung back and forth. Then, she looked into his eyes and a voice in the back of her head told her that whether he was lying through his teeth or not, she wasn’t going to get another chance like this in her life time.

Straightening her back, she forced herself to think of all the times she’d caught him watching her, of all the smiles and secret looks they’d shared that had made her feel wanted and sexy and close to him. Then, smiling, she nodded, and said, ‘okay’ and let go of the door frame.

She thought it’d be hard getting naked in front of him, but once Adrian had started the shower he took some candles from a shelf over the toilet and lit them before turning off the lights. ‘Is that better?’ he asked, reaching for her in the dim flickering light.

‘Yes.’ She slipped her hands around his neck and kissing him. ‘Thank you,’ she said, and meant it.

‘You’re welcome,’ he sighed, and reached behind her to run his hands over the bare skin of her back. Kera took a deep breath and as she exhaled it, she let herself melt into him, revelling in the warm firmness of his body.

For a moment she let her cheek rest against his chest and then, like a baby feeling a finger on it’s cheek, she reached for him with her lips. Once she got started, once she’d tasted him, there was no stopping her. In moments she was laying hot trails of kisses along his chest, his shoulders and through the valley between his neck and collar bone.

Adrian groaned, adjusted his stance, and let his head roll back, enjoying the attention. Knowing she was getting to him, she chuckled low in her throat and let her knees tip forward. ‘Ohhh… yah!’ he groaned as she slowly, carefully lowered herself to her knees, stopping only to lick and kiss circles around his belly button.

Adrian let her slide through his hands and then slipped his fingers into her hair, gripping her head lightly to guide her.

With shaking hands, she took hold of the top of his jeans and undid the button. Then she slid them flat palmed around his hips and over his ass while she nosed under the flap of material at the front and found the zipper with her teeth.

She thought he’d come unglued when she dug her nails into his ass and pulled the zipper down that way, but caught himself and chuckled. She peeked up at him, meeting his eyes, and could see the hunger there, which only made her want to torment him more. Rather than help him out of the jeans then, she took her time, dragging her nose and teeth over the bugle and letting him feel her through the material.

His breathing was coming faster, shallower and she found herself praying he wouldn’t lose it. She’d had some bad luck with guys that way and now she thought of it, young or not, she wasn’t taking any chances.

She stood up, climbing him with her hungry mouth and when their lips finally met, she hooked her fingers into his waist band and started slipping his pants off.

Adrian wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply before reaching up and finding her bras strap. Butterflies danced in her stomach and she had to fight the urge to reach back and stop him, but he had it open so quickly she barely had time to react. Then, slowly deliberately he reached up and lifted the material away from her chest and folded it carefully forward.

Kera watched him like a hawk, looking for any sign he found her wanting but the word his expression brought to mind was ‘reverence’. 

 

 

March is going out like a lion!

Okay, so I’m doing it again. I’m still dreaming small. Sigh.

You’d think with all the effort I’ve put into living ‘the Secret’ I’d have it down pat but…? Nope.

I’m still getting caught up in details and small mindedness. I guess I just don’t know how to let loose. Maybe it’s because ‘getting by’, ‘managing’, and ‘surviving’ are all I’ve ever hoped for (?) Because hoping for anything else has always proven futile… a sure fire way to get disappointed (?)

Other people work ‘real’ jobs, live in fancy homes, drive the ‘sick whips’ and take off to Vegas on a regular. Why? Why is it ‘okay’ for others and not for me?

No wonder I get nowhere! Even in my wildest fantasies I worry about how my ‘cute but not dead sexy’ boyfriend and I’ll afford a night out in Toronto. Jesus! Really! Come on!

So I was debating about moving to St. Kits the other day and it hit me… What the hell am I doing worrying about fitting all my STUFF into a tiny apartment when I should be telling myself the PERFECT PLACE is just waiting for me?! Forget cramped galley kitchens and mouldy bathroom tile. What I should be doing it envisioning my perfect home and the Universe bringing it to me!

So what is my perfect home?

Well, I suppose it’s a cosy little cottage home on a ravine… near the canal… or a park. It’s a place with a driveway, yard, and trees – maybe even a small garden and window boxes. It’s got an ‘older look’, a place my antiques will be at home, but it’s warm and safe and it’s got up to date wiring and plumbing with an endless supply of hot water. The landlord isn’t a creep and he fixes things when needed, and I can decorate (reasonably). It’s close to work, downtown, my friends and the horses, and I can afford it and still have money over to buy lunch out once in a blue moon.

Oh yah… not having an elderly, overweight landlord paw you when you hand over your check each month… that’s dreamin’, baby!

Okay! I’m trying!

Maybe I need inspiration. Let’s see…

‘Resolutions’ do nothing for me but this year I’ve set myself the ‘goal’ of learning to see myself the way my friends see me. This week they seem to see me as ‘inspiring’.

 

Inspiring? Me?! It’s just not an adjective I’d have used. Inspiring is something other - important - people do while I’m just ‘me’. When I think about it though, people have been telling me that I inspire them for a while.

 

Apparently – and I feel weird saying this – I say things that make people see things in a different way.

 

For one of my friends, it was a reminder that we live in a town that draws people from around the world, so – while she can’t travel right now – she can still meet interesting people and gain fresh perspectives in her own back yard. For another, something I said apparently made her want to make a ‘life list’ and to get back to seeing the adventure in life. While another friend (and this really blew me away!) who’s taking an interior design course said I was the inspiration for a room she designed!

 

How do I feel when people tell me I inspired them? Embarrassed and bemused. To say I inspired someone implies a certain level of import to my words and I’ve been taught that I’m not important and shouldn’t put weight in what I say. When I think of it too, I shy away from ‘inspiring’ because it means I’m responsible for what others do. I don’t like being ‘responsible’. I also find it amazing because 90% of the time I’m not saying anything ‘special’. I’m just rambling about… stuff… and somehow people seem to think it’s significant. That means I have to be careful about what I say, which is a lot of work.

 

On the other hand, I suppose I’m… what…? ‘Honoured’? I’m honoured that friends hear these messages in my words – that they take my words as gifts. (That’s amazing!) When it comes down to it too, being told I inspire people acts as a reminder to me to be a self-starter – to take my own advice and ‘do’ something with my life on a daily basis.

 

So how does this relate to the goal of seeing myself through my friend’s eyes?

 

Well, normally I see myself as wasting my life… I’m always saying I need to ‘figure out what I wanna be when I grow up’… and giving myself heck for failing… My friends, however, apparently see me as inspiring. They see me as a self-starter who finds gifts and opportunities in day-to-day life. If I could see myself that way too, maybe I would be more apt to have the confidence to take some chances and make changes. Seeing myself this way might even inspire me to live a more inspired life.

Wow! Seeing things this way makes me excited about what the New Year may bring. Oh, and it definitely highlights the fact that my friend ROCK! I mean, how cool is that that my friends are kind and generous enough to call me inspiring!? To quote a dear friend, I am truly blessed : )