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It’s been a while since I’ve posted any crafts but I wanted to share a bag I made for a special friend.

front and back

It’s knitted and designed to look like a flower at the top when closed. It also has a design on either side – one featuring flowers and a ladybug – the other her initials and a white cross with red boarder (because she’s from Sweeden).

detail

flower top

I really enjoyed making it for her and hope that she likes it. Now I’ve done the one, I’m considering making another for myself to hold my sunglasses : )

Had a bit of a revelation the other day while trying a little meditation-slash-self healing work on these cysts…
 
While visualizing them breaking down and being absorbed by my system I realized that I was feeling hostile and repulsed by them. Like being invaded by deadly aliens – tres uncomfortable!
Then, I realized that what they really were was potential babies that just didn’t make it and I asked myself how I felt about that. To my surprise I felt a little sad. And, as I explored that, I realized that had they ‘made it’, I would have loved them.

Suddenly, I was able to wrap my mind and heart around seeing them differently… with love and compassion… instead of outright rejecting and fearing them.
 
If anyone would have guessed what I was up to they’d have probably thought I was nuts, but I ‘said’ “I’m sorry, but you’ve manifest in a way that’s hurtful to me and I need you guys to allow yourselves to break down and be absorbed by my body safely and painlessly and for you to go on and try for another incarnation elsewhere.”

Maybe it was my imagination, but I actually think that the swelling went down and that the pain lessened noticeably. Cool!

The other thing was that, despite all my talk of Ester Estrogen (my remaining ovary) being my ‘friend’, I was still freaked out by her/it. I mean, ovaries do look kind of sea creature-esque and she is the source of these cysts. In fact, I’d say I was feeling alienated from and fearful of all my reproductive organs. That came as something of a shock until I took the time to think about it and realized it’d pretty much always been that way.

When I was little, of course, they were just a part of me I was oblivious to, but once I started menstruating they became mysterious and ‘icky’. Childbirth, tubal ligation, periods, and all the attendant negative messages I’d received from the world over the years didn’t make us any better friends and when these cysts started popping up… Well, as you can imagine, I started feeling some pretty strong mistrust.

So, I guess it’s no wonder my body’s returning my hostility by manifesting these growths and I guess it’s time I start working on a new way to co-exist with these female parts because I certainly don’t want to keep getting these cysts.

Anyways, just thought I’d share.

I called my sister for advice and she told me ‘take probiotics’ and ‘deal with the crap with mom’. I didn’t argue and the probiotics are helping but dealing with the mom thing will take a while.  

You see, whether she ever intended to or not, my mother did a lot of damage to me at various formative stages in my life. Over the years, she rejected me and taught me that I had no value. She taught me to fear and distrust, and she taught me that I had no right to question what was being done to me.

So, I’ve been working to overcome these issues and have fortunately found the kind of friends that will help me through them. I’ve worked hard to understand the sources of these problems and to readjust my thoughts to help me see through them to a better way of living. It’s an ongoing process, but I at least know it needs doing and work on it as I can.

In fact, just within the past week or so I’ve had yet another revelation… I’ve figured out that it might help to work on developing some kind of compassion for myself that mirrors the compassion I feel for others… and I have to hope that if I can do that I will heal my ‘mother issues’ that might cause my ‘dis-ease’.

The thing is that it’s not JUST about my mom and I. It’s also about me as a mom. And that is more problematic.

You see, I also have to deal with my relationships with my own kids and I never realized until recently just how damaging they are to me at this point. In fact, the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve come to realize just how toxic they are to me and how likely to cause me damage.

So, I guess I need to figure those out too.

Sigh.

Of course, the problem there is that whether I intended to or not I’ve somehow wound up teaching my kids to discount my feelings in the same way that my mother did and I’m wondering if they’d be any more apt to listen and help than she would (?)

So, I went to my GP today and got some good news.

Apparently, it’s normal for ovarian cysts to rupture and be absorbed by your body. Apparently, what happened to me last time with the cyst getting to the size of a grapefruit before it blew was the anomaly and these cysts I have are doing what we ‘want’ them to do.

Go figure!

Now, if only the doctors would have told me this last weekend. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gone through as much stress and fear. Maybe then I would have simply shrugged and gone back to cutting the grass. (Take that abnormal cell growth!)

Well, I guess it is what it is but it certainly shows how little thought doctors put into the well being of the patient. After all, it might take an extra minute or two to explain something like that… but nah! They want us booking more appointments – they want to earn more fees. Don’t they?

Oops! I’ve done it again.

Seems I’ve been having some odd health issues of late. Been oh… about a month now I guess… and things came to something of a head this weekend past.

I guess fighting with the old push-lawnmower was too much for me and I ended up hemoraging or something – rushed to Emergency – and found out I’ve got another ovarian cyst. Well, that and it’s ruptured.

Now I am waiting for a chance to get to a GP and an OBGYN to see just how things stand and whether or not that’s the only issue. (Have a feeling it’s not.) But, in the mean time, I’m worried for little Ester Estrogen, my remaining ovary.

I know! People don’t tend to get all attached to their body parts. At least not enough to name them and not women. But, when I lost her sister about 2 yrs ago to emergency surgery for the same reason I figured I had to take care of little Ester.

So, I may end up posting links and such here as I go through the process of trying to save her. If you know of anything that might help, will apreciate hearing from you. Thanks : )

at the beach

Drove out to Port DalHousie tonight. So pretty there : )

‘Twas a May Day, bright and gay
when Winter’s cold had gone away
and all the town came out to play
on that very special day

Wares were sold and stories told
’bout the gods revered of old
while maids were chased by lovers bold
and all were dancing, young and old

Then from the feast, a lass did roam
to the woods beyond her home
and feeling weary to the bone
she lay down, there, all alone

Or so she thought herself to be
not seeing up inside the tree
the lad who waited, silently
for this maid he’d hoped to see

Barely had she fall’n asleep
than down the tree, the lad did creep
and laying by her grassy bed
he placed a sweet kiss ‘pon head

Wrapped inside a wicked dream
the sweet lass lacked the wit to scream
but she’d have done so had she seen
the lad who loved her while she dreamed

For he had horns upon his crown
and ‘pon his chin real leaves had grown
by ‘Robyn’ was this wild lad known
a spirit, he, of some renown

No clue had she, that Robyn Goode
had helped her into womanhood
’till great with kid, she understood
and named the child Robyn Hoode