‘How’s things going with the roomate?’ S asked, and when I told them, they said, ‘I still think you’re being unreasonable.’

I breifly considered trying to explain.

I might have asked how S would feel if they’d trusted someone enough to let them into their home and life, only to have that someone ‘thank’ them by messing with their investments, livelyhood, or relationships?

‘How would you feel,’ I wanted to say, ‘if, even as they planned to take further advantage of you, they had the audacity to act as though you were the one ‘wronging’ them…?’ And… ‘how would you take it if the people who should best understand and care about your situation were the people who were most apt to support the person screwing you… to question your right to say ‘enough’?’

Then, I realized that S’s statment meant that they weren’t willing to – or capable of – acknowledging the emotional and financial impact of things on me and that it’d be useless. As with the roommate in question, I could waste my breath painting them a picture of my reality, but it wasn’t gonna’ do any good because they were both so focussed on their egos that they just couldn’t ‘see’ beyond them.

So, I thanked S for that opinion and simply stated that – despite it – I would do whatever was necessary to protect myself and ‘let it go’.

Neither laughing nor crying would do any good at that point, and all I could do was pray that no one ever treated S the way this roomate had treated me. I also said a quick prayer that I’d be able to set aside the fact that S’s failure to acknowledge this had hurt me so deeply and often and to love them despite it.

Thank the gods my capacity to love is as boundless as my patience because I do not want to have to ‘school’ S too!

Ok. Too much going on to do this right so just gonna post…

First, I’ve been hurting myself again by dressing fear up as prudence. With money dissapearing and no clue of what I’d get on EI, I figured I should prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So, I went hunting for government and community resources I might need like credit counselling, and started doing ‘damage control’.

When I caught myself saying that shit was hitting the fan and I needed to cut my stress or my head would ‘explode’, though, I remembered that both my aunt and grandfather dropped from brain aneurisms and figured enough was enough!

Then, while trying to figure out how to stop worrying and get control, I realized that sometimes all it takes is a mind-flip… or change of perspective… so, I tried that.

I took my statement that I’d ‘lost my stepfather, job, and most of my self confidence this summer’ and flipped it around to…

‘In the past few months, I’ve been able to do a major DIY structural improvement to my home, try a new ‘job’, take the first real vacay I’ve had in years, mend broken family ties and deal with the drama of family and friends, and much more!’

Suddenly, instead of seeing myself as drowning in stress, I saw myself as having used it to ‘motivate’ me, and realized just how much I’d accomplished. As if by magic, some of the stress evaporated on the spot, and I’ve sinse been able to deal a lot more easily.

I think it’s important for me to take some time soon, though, to write a about what’s been going on in the light of this different perspective and to let the process of writing help me to ‘let it go’. Maybe that way, I’ll be able to further reduce the stress and reinforce in my own mind the fact that I can’t play games with fear… nor can I expect the ‘worst’ and not think that’s exactly what I’ll get.

I’ve also been trying to keep up with things with my mother. After decades of estrangement, it’s good to finally WANT to call her and I think that if we keep this up we might finaly be able to mend those broken ties. I’m also hoping that this will encourage my brother and sister to do the same.

Of course, it’s stressful knowing I can’t help or even get to her in an emergency and all, but I truly hope that this summer will have been a ‘turning point’ for us and that if nothing else, it will please my anscestors… my fathers in particular.

I’m still talking to my sister and anxious to see her again. It’s been 3 years or so. But, she still hasn’t figured out how to clear herself of the ‘issues’ she’s dealing with and I just don’t have much to offer besides moral support and ideas. Hopefully soon, though, she’ll move back here and we’ll be able to help each other out. For now, I pray.

I’ve also been chipping away at things around the house – taking care of regular chores while ticking off jobs and repairs that’ve been waiting for years – and don’t have too many ‘have to’s left. I want to refinish my computer chair, paint or build some furniture, etc… but it’s nothing I can’t save for the winter if it comes down to it.

I’m also working with the YMCA employment centre…

Just got an eval done and found out I may have been ignoring a job market I didn’t think I belonged in, which is exciting. Aparently, I’ve got more aptitude and transferable skills in the Science and Technology area than I figured, so I’ll be looking for job oportunities there while considering 2^nd Career education oportunities. I’ve also decided not to take the first job offered because the hours and pay are worse than what I just left and I really want to better my life. Hope that was the right thing to do!

Oh! and I’ve signed up for a smoking cessation trial project through the region – still trying to quit. Will talk to doctor to make sure it’s safe but thinking it’d be sweet to start the new year smoke-free.

Things are better too, with my roommate, which reduces stress. Not sure how long it’ll last and all, but at least it’s something and I’m glad.

Things are better too with my daughter moving closer… finaly got some time with her lately and don’t worry as much now she’s closer. It’s been good getting time with my grandbaby too.

Thinking of that…

While working on the stress and all the other day, I asked myself whether or not I’ve been making the ‘right’ choices… should I have put off the repairs… looked harder for work… spent differently… etc (?) and the answer I got was that while the summer’s been chaotic and all, it’s been good too.

I got thinking about the year of the Rabbit… I mean I knew that’d mean ‘family’ would be highlighted, but didn’t expect it to become ‘all consuming!’ Then, I thought that people are more valuable than things… remembered the moments spent with Baby Boo… seeing my niece and all… and thought, ‘You’re damned right t’s worth it!’ Maybe I’ll hate myself later, but for now, I’d do it all again. So, no use cryin’ over spilled milk. I have done the best I could and will just stand by that.

Other than that, my BF and I have been staying as active as possible. Went hiking for a few hours this weekend past and then played ‘washers’. Yah, he stresses me too sometimes but he’s also one of the best sources of relaxtion and happiness in my life and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I just wish I could afford to show him the same sort of kindnesses he shows me and treat him to some pressies once in a while.

Anyways, got to get a few things done but will maybe elaborate on some of this later, for now, it’s ‘hopcha… hopcha… quick like a bunny!’ and I’m gone <|: )

It was a party… New Years… the kinda’ couple-paloosa single chicks usually avoid… but I went ’cause I dug the 2 hosting couples… and stayed ’cause the whole group was so chill. In fact, it was so cool that when the elder of the host couples told the story of their honeymoon, I wished I had someone to share life with too.

‘Like being ‘hitched’ never turned a party into a ‘living hell’!’ my brain said, with what felt like a ‘shiver’.
Shocked, I flinched, and reflexively looked to the ‘honeymooners’, focusing on the ‘head over heels’ expressions on their faces. ‘But if it was like that…!’
‘Sure!’ my brain snorted, ‘but they’re ‘special’!’
‘Why?’ I wondered, a little suprised at that thought. So, like ‘Bwana Clyde Batty’ from ’60′s t.v…. I observed the rare creatures…
‘There’s that look, of course… decades!… and you could still see the sparks fly…’
‘One in a million…’ my grey matter told me.
‘And I’ve never herd either say a negative word to… or about the other… (I made a mental connection.) Like my grandparents… they’ve been that way… though thick and thin…’ and before my brain could collect itself for a come-back, the younger hosts jumped in to ‘help’… correcting and cajoling their oldest and ‘bestest’ friends… and, sure enough, they wore that same look…!’

‘That’s why I dig’em!’ I thought, never having put two and two together that way before, but as I replayed past meetings and moments from that night in my head, I realized I must have ‘picked up’ on it subconsciously… that others must have too… because when I looked around, I realized it wasn’t like any other parties I’d been to.
There was no trash-talking, no whining, no agruing… everybody was respectful of boundaries and didn’t even try hooking the only two single people up… ‘Is that their ‘secret’? I wondered, recalling all I’d learned about thoughts and words affecting our lives, and jig-saw like… peices snapped together in my head…
‘They got married ’cause they wanted ‘love’… enough to give their own freely… got all that love back ’cause, without being ‘forced’, their partners ‘wanted’ to give them their ‘best’… They must have… consciously or subconsciously… chosen to use ‘positive’ words to reinforce that all these years… and surrounded themselves with like-minded people… building and preserving that pair-bond…’

As the ‘big picture’ resolved in my mind’s eye, I made the snap decision to give it a shot if… and ‘when’… I found someone ‘special’ too… but, disgusted, my brain told me I’d ‘had enough!’ and forced me out into the cold to walk it off.
It was cold… yes… but snowy and still… so I might have enjoyed it if my brain hadn’t dragged memmories of my marriage along. ‘Cause it did, though, I felt ‘lost’ and more lonely than I had since before the divorce.
‘Just go back,’ my brain ordered, and I wasn’t sure if it meant to my Ex… to being ‘happy’ being single… or to the party… but I opted for my hatch-back instead. ‘Five years…!’ I thought, as I drove carefully across town, ‘and you’re still as lonely as you were before the divorce…! You’re still wishing… missing… the man you ‘wanted’ him to be… the man you’ll probably never meet…’ but then maybe because it was New Years, I told myself ‘never; was too strong a word.

Months later, after meeting my BF, we drove to his house and passed the same street I’d staggered down January 1st.
On a whim, I told him about that night… about my friends… and their ‘secret’…
‘I like it!’ he smiled, dazzling me enough that my brain stepped in to warn me I wore the same goofy grin that my friends always did.
‘Shut up, Brain!’ I told it, ‘or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip!’ and decided that moment was as good as any to make good on my promise to myself.

Like most New Years resolutions though, that promise has been hard to keep. Old habits die hard. It’s hard giving your ‘best’ when others choose not to… Life interferes… people interfere… and ‘trust’ comes hard when you’ve been hurt deeply or often enough…
Of course, I’ve tried understanding… tried ‘teaching’… giving people ‘chances’ to do things ‘differently’… but there’s times when things get ‘hard’ and I need someplace to vent. So, I’ve been using my blog as a ‘safe’ place to blow off steam.
Unfortunately, I never really thought much about the possible ‘side affects’. I was just worried about needing to say the things I don’t want to say out loud or that others won’t hear…

 ’Don’t even go there!’ they tell me… ‘It’s not like that!’… ‘You don’t understand…’ ‘Don’t ‘stress’ it…!’

(Ego makes them unwilling to ‘hear’ or to ‘question’… to see one of them might need some help…)

If I learned nothing from ‘singledom’, though, it’s that no one’s going to ‘save’ you… that I’ve got to do that myself!
Well, I guess part of that’s got to be being more conscious of what I say… even on-line… and part’s finding ways to clear out old habbits. But, when it comes right down to it… it’ll be other people’s choices to listen or help me and if they don’t it’ll be my choice to move on.
For now, I’m not going anywhere.
I’m determined to give my ‘best’. I’m determined to ‘try harder’ and to be positive and creative.
Guess I need to work on this… huh?

Just spoke to my daughter and after 2 1/2yrs. of stress, a court decided that our Baby Boo is utterly and totally ours!

Can’t say how proud I was to hear that in making their decision, the court commented on the fact that my daughter’s a ‘good mother’, and can only hope that she’ll remember that when she faces the inevitable and challenging problems of raising a child on her own.

I’ll sleep better knowing that no one can take our prescious baby girl away from us : )

LOVE YOU, Mel!  <|: )

The alarm went off.

I groped for it… couldn’t read it… found my glasses and checked again…

Jesus! The display screen had died an untimely death during the night so all I could see were strange electronic ‘firework’ designs…

Argh! You couldn’t wait ’till I was up… could ya’…?

I rolled back into bed and the stress hit me. 

Unemployment… my so called ‘job’… the house and bills… favours for friends… family… stretched so thin it was a wonder I didn’t ‘snap’… and now this shit with my mother… maybe I was better off